An emotional being

Here is an up to date assessment of the emotional experiences I am moving toward and away from. The values are ranked highest to lowest with a description of how they feel, and rules for what has to happen to trigger them. Moving towards values are designed to be easy to trigger while moving away are hard. Kudos to Tony Robbins. I found an older version from 10 years ago in the archive, it’s fairly close to this. What are the values I move towards?

key emotion = description (what it feels like) what is the trigger, what has to happen for me to experience this

mystery = the shining, shimmering basis for everything, what I know I am, the direct experience of being. a sort of grinning wonder beyond intellect and causality. pragmatic, serviceable, exultant awe and gratitude

experience myself experiencing and ask, who am I, who experiences? anytime there are just no words. no rule for this, only opportunity

attentive, perceptive = letting the world as it is, in. noticing what’s happening, what it is to be me and others, open to nuance, soaking up subtle information rich energy. presence, projection free

open and empty, letting the moment flow in, energy down hands

intuition, insight = a knowing unprecedented, yet with a certain resonance, just feels right. a leap from a logical and demonstrable position to an unexpected but perfectly coherent and self consistent understanding. Often we don’t know how we got there, but looking back there’s a solid rationale waiting, after the fact

rush of realizing, knowledge from nowhere, everywhere. happening constantly. notice and enjoy

magic, mystic = clearly I’ve got super powers that I can count on. I constantly discover more of myself, transcendent talents and undocumented features. I have a pragmatic acceptance of my abilities, even if they are way beyond what is generally accepted as possible. You’ve just got to be me to understand, they’re secret in the sense that gifts don’t need to be debated, they are not pry bars for unsettling rigid minds. advertising is contra-indicated, not everyone get’s an in.

trusting my own experience and acting, being in wilderness and feeling alive, looking into eyes and holding steady gaze, wide open and relaxed

integrity, honesty = when I reveal and express what’s happening / happened for me, how I feel or felt, what I want. perhaps with a smidgen of trepidation but without shame or self loathing. acting in accord with self awareness, following my own path, being present for whatever is going on.

realize that there are always many layers and reasons, inventory them for myself and then just trust

health, vigor, way sexy, lithe, physically fluent = when the body is beautiful and tuned, easy and vibrant. being able to move in astonishing ways, suffused with the energy of the cosmos, a vehicle for same. I am this body as I am the stars, to be present and radiant in every cell and sinew is to be fully alive as the universe. this body is my local manifestation and deliberately charged with divinity. I cherish my physicality, it’s how I come to be here and now.

being present in my body, initiating awareness of physical sensations, even just standing and being a miracle. I instantiate myself as the local expression of the cosmos

awe, surprise, sensory rapture, engaged = caught by sheer beauty / horror of the human game, creative grooving with whole shebang, down the rabbit hole, art making, eureka! moments

participating in the creation of anything – small or large, transient or lasting. could be a new day dawning, just that I am part of it, i am it

joy, laughter, exhilaration = life is good, bursting forth from the inside out, being a source of brimming fun, inexhaustible

open my chest and blast, shiver and let life wash over me daily

trust = the universe is uniquely friendly to me, that’s the way i configured Dan Kelly. in the age of kali yuga, I’m the dude who rallies, who doesn’t give up, who soars where others sink. in the end, I’m going to be ok, because it’s all going to be ok. this is a dangerous game because it’s more interesting that way. we’re all having a little nightmare so that waking up will be a lark. ever dream that all your teeth fell out, or that you were endlessly pooping on a filthy toilet surrounded by strangers? what luck to be only dreaming, dreaming, dreaming. being in my part all the way is ok ’cause deep down i know what’s going down, trust. of course there really are ghoul spooks from the 8th dimension, and I’m gonna rub out  their sorry butts – whee hoo!

i am the incomparable Dan Kelly, playing this persona impeccably. perfect portrayal while taking into account the stage, the costumes, my fellow players. every improvisation is on

confidence = knowing I’ve got it going on, the situation is mastered even before I make one move, it’s definitely gonna be a coup and if there’s any question it’s perhaps only the trivial details of the triumph. That’s because no matter what, all I’ve got to be is me. practice and approach keeps me ever blooming

rub hands, to head and face and give an energy massage, relax and enjoy perfect confidence. i am the perfect Dan

healing = if there’s hurt, pain, imbalance, sorrow… I can help. I’m best with hands on, and can even set things right with a word or two. my food brings happiness. healing and helping is my natural inclination. much gratitude.

putting hands on anyone and knowing I’m on, instantly. Smiling when there is no me, just the universe extant

conscious generosity = giving is an art, not an obsession. I’ve learned to give only when others are ready. truly a boon to myself and others when we get quiet and attend to the moment. if the way is clear then giving is pure bliss.

giving to those who truly will benefit, especially myself

connection, rapport = human to human usually and even more – me to lover, with and between. body contact and eye’s meet. dance with grace and cables of magnetic clarity thick from our hands and tapped into matching spine and shoulder, neck and wrist. knowing another with or without speaking

just feeling air on skin, or eyes recognizing recognition

intimacy, affection = this is skin to skin, dan to woman, a meshing uniquely enabled by how these bodies work, how we grew them. certainly intimacy can happen through any sharing, phone or email, little gifts… but ultimately we’re on for the ultimate sharing, pressing soft and fuzzy fleshscapes together and sculpting each other ecstatic. sexual si, but that’s a spectrum – far deep, stretched wide and dizzy high

to touch and be touched with deep presence, to brush by another seemingly by chance, but pack it with blooming energy, ha!

savvy, competent = friendly with the vagaries of instrumentality, fluent in bringing things into being in a manner which can be understood and accepted by most folks and fully recognized by just a few. just enough knowledge for situation, the right tools, the appropriate practice, the optimal network and relevant research. I get it.

handling situations with aplomb, even just walking with focus and emptiness

calm during crisis, there’s a way = demonstrated countless times in my life, through i’m not crisis compulsive, when it happens I shine. i dig clicking into a mode that is both a root expression of who i am and the result of years of careful design and practice.

remembering that my character rocks

innovating, problem solving  = whatever the situation, there’s a cosmic channel open to consult. when the answer is really righteous, i feel it like a surge of juice, the rightness is oh so there. or just tinkering, looking at a question, sitting with it. a flash of the way, the very next day. makering and networks, universally applicable

rolling through and acknowledging myriad obstacles with attentive persistence

exploration, discovery =  inviting the unknown, the unexpected, the intrinsically unpredictable and then then bringing my practices and talents into play. applying all my aspects. what can be experienced? what’s available to me? applied curiosity. making love to mystery.

moving into any unknown and remembering to feel lucky

adventure  = let’s face it, adventure is risk. intelligent and audacious risk of all or part of what we’ve come to cherish and celebrate for the next question, for core values, all of the above. some of my adventures come on because of a slight shirking of protocol, call it being irresponsible, some come without any precedent and some are chosen. of the later category, there may be a worthy objective or i might just be staying in practice. it’s possible that many in the first and second category are a cosmic practice, happening below my immediate attention but apparent after the fact. i’m not flippant about adventure, but when it’s on I’m game.

knowing when to risk death or injury for any of my core values

encounters with the ineffable feminine = admittedly, there’s a pinch of terror in this mix, though it’s mostly wonder, melting service and celebration, the thrill of command and taking over, surrender, death to assumptions and mystery incarnate. this would be a top value but for the knowing that a man has to exist, must instantiate and constantly reconstitute or be utterly consumed by passion and devotion to woman, at least this man. thus all the above coming ahead, get’s me here.

women who radiate appreciation and desire, feeling gratitude for them and marveling that there is such a thing as beauty at all

12/7/11 Wrangling moving away from values is tough! Would I rather experience a lack of integrity or be unprepared for attack, crisis? Moving away from values are all yukky, but which are the yukkiest? the most vile? it’s quite the defining exercise. Later – I’ve been writing descriptions and now it’s actually fun, it’s grand. Hopefully the descriptions will help me sort them. What are the values I move away from

key emotion = description (what it feels like) what is the trigger, what has to happen for me to experience this

lack of compassion = to catch another’s pain and deny my own perception, to negate and invalidate the pounding energy of anguish, one of the most elemental of unifying forces. i pretend not to see or hear my sobbing neighbor and instead stare at my little fence, pace off the measure of my manicured lawn. it’s not even about whether I take action or not but rather closing down my own radar, forgetting that the other and I are always one, whatever incarnation they may take. to be arrogant, which is to assert absolute certainty without attention, without reception.

if my inner dialogue projects an ‘other’

even in a life and death struggle, ‘hating the opponent’ doesn’t ultimately yield auspicious results. feeling the essential unity makes the kill sacred and sane, as in thanking the creatures who die for our dinner. we can and do kill parts of ourselves all the time. recognizing that there is no ‘other’ either within or without keeps us whole, regardless of what we leave behind.

if all we can really change is ourselves, and changing ourselves really only works via compassion, then perhaps physicality is a projection of inner space. to identify and neutralize the opposition is really to find ourselves outside, eg in other bodies. we imagine behaviors or passions to be other and seek to wipe them out but that’s obviously that’s a war against ourselves, un-winnable. If we understand what the behavior or passion is ultimately designed to do, (effective or no) we can untangle and integrate, gently moving away from acting at cross purposes. Approaching outer space as a process of revealing and uncovering the underlying unity, knowing that the seeming other is actually a part of me acting at cosmic cross purpose, then the idea of opponent disappears – can we see how we all are trying to serve a cosmic agenda? integration as synonymous with neutralizing and even with offing another, but that’s an extreme. how is your enemy trying to help you?

subservient conformity, blind obedience to authority, poisonous mediocrity = to allow my entire being, with all my highly acute sensory channels, physical prowess, sparkling intelligence, strategic resources and magic to be utterly taken over and made to serve any unexamined and unevaluated outcome or motivation. to accept and align with whatever seems to be the most acceptable behavior, the least offensive and controversial, to base my decisions and actions on another’s standards, morays and tastes, without the least thought for implication or ultimate outcome.

any action unsupported by intuition, any evaluation lacking compassion

unprepared for attack or crisis = these days one would have to be pretty naive not recognize that there are enemies who would either subvert or destroy the stewards of earth and awareness. to not anticipate and prepare myself for encounters with these adversaries, to believe i can somehow resist quietly, secretly without being discovered and targeted is patently irresponsible and delusional. therefor, i am always ready for adventure, i cultivate joy and connection to life and I pay attention. to not do these things consistently and resolutely is to be unprepared for attack and crisis.

if i and the projection of other intend a common outcome, are always unified somehow (perhaps our conflict is the point) then being prepared to fully engage is always worthy. therefor, the only time i can feel unprepared is if, upon recognizing my dear enemy, I don’t crack a smile.

lack of integrity = is to undermine my own history and experience, to act against my own health, to forget that the entire universe is my ally, my own body. to forget my bliss and sever from it subtly, to be against myself, either locally or universally. to believe that I can act against myself and attempt to do so without an aside to the audience or a knowing wink at the camera. to deliberately forget that i am all this, failure to remember and act.

i feel a lack of integrity if I assert (without a wink and a nudge) that I am only my local instantiation

insecurity, self doubt, self hate = to conjure up some wound or unjust action, to think that i am anything less than the whole shooting match and imagine my local experience is indeed anything but a wild ride, a bit of inspired theater. to constantly refresh a pattern that’s just no fun, and call it “real”. to experience the pain fully and make the following evaluation: I – the cosmic creator, star stirrer, mother of all men, most delightful and awe filled of children, lush oxygen generating forest, prolific producer of the ultimate plant food, healer and pleasure master – suck.

insecurity is only possible if my energy wants to come flow and I try to stop it

begging for attention, craving recognition, taken for granted, discarded and disregarded – being obsessed with the idea that my worth, identity and joy is dependent on the flippant and transient approval of others, that I don’t exist without big poppa or big momma watching my every antic. that dropping 5 dollars on the street anonymously is not one of the greatest games ever invented, that a gold star on my homework is worth a good goddamn. the need to be noticed and acknowledged is a crisis of identity and abhorrence of the glorious game, where our audience is the entire cosmos, and all consciousness marvels at the skill of my portrayal. to beg for attention and crave recognition is to be blind to the limelight that blares upon my upturned face, to be deaf to the thundering applause of all eternity. to think that my flowing ecstatic power can be somehow flushed down a drain and lost, that it doesn’t bathe my target and energize some other aspect of existence perhaps thousands of miles distant. that it doesn’t bounce like a chromed pin ball off a thousand bumpers and right back to me, racking up innumerable karmic credit points in the process. That my generous radiance could possibly be neutralized.

I feel discarded and disregarded only by denying desire, by trying to kill it through pragmatism. having what i want starts by experiencing it deeply, desire is a rehearsal. each step in seduction is a more vivid and immersive rehearsal until suddenly you we can taste it.

chronic fear, chronic pessimism – to get stuck like a needle on scratched and spinning vinyl, running over and over an experience, wearing the grooves ever deeper. to narrow my wide spectrum down to a single photon, bouncing endlessly between my eye and the scuffed and oxidized gray plastic of faux leather. reduce the wild riot of delicious savor down to a single flavor, scrummy and stale, and taste it forever. fear and pessimism have their place in the great pageant, but as a theme they are tedious, as a foundation they are unstable, as an under-painting they eat light. chronic fear and pessimism is an futile attempt to limit our natural complexity and richness to a single self hating cliche.

I can only experience chronic fear and pessimism if I do not make an attempt to break and scramble repetition, however familiar

failure to rebound, rally – having crashed and burned, fallen, crushed and broken, to not reanimate and scare the bejesus out of everyone, to not regenerate, to not grab against gravity and rise up, swaying and scarecrow-like, to not pull of a improvisation and even totally accidental sneak attack that decides the moment for my team. to forget how much fun it is to be the bad ass, comic, banged and bloodied uber hero. to sob and cry and rollover for yet another kick to the kidneys.

i can only experience failure to rebound and rally if I give up trying to create a worthy outcome

rigid, brittle – when i tense and clench for strength and safety, when I decide that closing my doors to the swirling salvation of the fluid universe will serve me in any situation, if i habitually choose to be stone or iron over water, air or best of all just empty. when I armor my body, my being and become the foolish fortress waiting for the siege, a giant lumbering target, a study in strategic failure. i can root down, sink deep, stand firm by locking into the very structure of reality, not becoming something separate to be dashed against it, shattered upon it,  broken over it or crushed under it. being rigid and brittle is to make myself other, form a sort of thin crust, a fragile shell and call it protection, security, safety. It is to forget that as an aspect of the universe, I can only pretend to be something else.

refuse to take energy hands down in the moment OR neglect practice for more than 7 days

waste – to take for granted the gift of life, the precious abundance of the universe as it flows all around me, sustaining and supporting my story. To cut off from the resources I have provided, to toss away my envelope of enigmatic nick nacks from my omniscient self. To casually tip anything into the yawning maw of landfill, to burn or squander the moment, whatever it offers – light, heat, electricity, friendship, food. To not notice when a resource can be saved, repurposed and passed on, and do so.  To toss my pearls before the pearl blind, to be generous without rapt attention to the implications. Waste is to short-circuit the miracle of my manifestation, for how can we thrive when we won’t assimilate what’s available, the nutritious now? Waste is to deny my future self’s guidance, after a perilous transition and countless ergs of effort. waste is the signature of the prison culture. waste is to not be present in any moment, like giving touch to a selfish and confused girl and expecting a direct return, even recognition or gratitude. to forget that she is but a cosmic circuit and I am touching all including myself. healing is the release of outcomes and agenda, waste is insisting on cause and effect, on equal exchange, tit for tat. waste is pleading for mercy.

deny the infinite possibilities of the moment

lying – is fear and loathing of self. to eviscerate myself behind words and or deeds. to attempt to erase and disappear what i am, to appear more palatable, acceptable and worthy based on some criteria other than what I know to be vital and authentic. to fade for some arbitrary other. to be shamed by and hate what i am, what i’ve learned, what i’ve created, what i’ve accomplished.

to refuse to feel gratitude for my life, for my people. that is a lying

anger – knowing that there is an enemy, an oppressor, a torturer, an arbitrary authority armed to the teeth, bristling with annihilation and pain, craving my despair and destruction while I am inadequate, unprepared, ill equipped and deserving of every attack. to capitulate out of self pity, doubt and despair. to not realize the opportunity of this energy, the chance to widen the radar, to open the moment and live large. anger is to give up and accept situations at face value without any creative revelation.

i can only be angry if forget to be vigilant and inquisitive, feeling the fundamental connection everywhere

apathy – to be numb and stuck, to not martial the top shelf powers, the denial of ubiquitous and scintillating choices, to ignore the fascinating potions of my personal apothecary, to miss the glowing tell tales of my interface, to lie down and die just when things are getting interesting.

apathy is only possible if i can’t even imagine smiling

token effort, half assed execution, half hearted attempt – to almost try, to be conflicted about outcome, failure to muster adequate power to achieve a worthy end because i just don’t believe in myself enough to really pull it off, or that I don’t deserve the benefits. logging in the miasma of procrastination, artificial impoverishment choking off choice and possibility, nothing matters, what’s the point?

if I am somehow able to convince myself that I am merely bones and muscle, that’s the recipe for token effort

anguish – believing my suffering is unique, that I only struggle and stumble. to close off every channel and pretend somehow that I am alone. to not ask for and find some help

if within my grasp and sight, there is not one weed growing, nor scrawny sapling shrugging back the sidewalk, nor a tiny bug minding it’s own extravagant business then I can feel anguish.

sloppy, disorganized – to roam hither and yon as if every moment doesn’t matter, to take our gifts for granted and squander the essential treasures of joy, competency and focus. to allow the tools and powers to rust and atrophy, like some flavor of consumer culture slave.

I can only feel sloppy or disorganized if i don’t rise up long and tall, ready to receive my lover’s kiss or a perfect pie to the face

distrust – to think that somehow i can be destroyed by a collapsing sword, a toy gun, a flicker and shadow. in any situation, the danger is only what i decide I cannot handle, wherever i define the edge where I start and other begins

i can only feel distrust if I forget who i am, the narrator of this story

complaining, burying, excuses, rationalization – why do i have to play the character i auditioned for, why do I have to follow the script that I myself wrote? to complain is to rail against what I myself have created rather than recreate it moment to moment. to not take responsibility for my own creation in this world, for what I myself have wrought for whatever ends. rather than look at the motivations and the blueprint for what I inevitably and unfailingly achieve, I curse the outcome, my fate. ha! fate is only the working out of a formula of my own making. when I don’t take responsibility for my own wonderful and ingenious manifestations. i meant to do that.

i can only experience complaining if i shirk responsibility for my circumstances, rather than marveling at and celebrating it’s grand potential
i can only do excuses  if I don’t throw up my hands and make the ecstatic query – can you dig it?

pain or pleasure without consciousness – to miss the best part, eat the cob and miss the corn.

it’s about the moment to moment wonder, and the only way this can get away is if I do. if I choose to go elsewhere, I can have pain or pleasure without consciousness. whatever is going down, I’ll try and stay for the party